A Dud in Venice

There's never a knife-wielding dwarf in a red raincoat when you need one.

I couldn't help but think this as I suffered through the banal "star vehicle" of The Tourist, a vehicle that resembles a garbage barge piled with reeking, witless dialogue and bored movie stars.

This is the kind of film that wants to be To Catch A Thief, one of Hitchcock's lighter films. Set on the French Riviera, To Catch A Thief (1955) drifts along on the gossamer wings of Grace Kelly's beautiful Edith Head gowns and Cary Grant's charm. It's one of those films that looks deceptively simple, but is devilishly hard to recreate.

No doubt hoping to replicate that formula of glamor and ease by using today's biggest Movie Stars, aka  Angelina & Johnny, whoever green-lit The Tourist instead stuck us with a leaden effort that leaches away even the pleasure of an armchair visit to Venice. Its idea of a witty through-joke is to have a character use Spanish words instead of Italian. Que merde.

Angelina Jolie, a stick figure with vag lips & spider lashes, clomps along in too-high heels and wrestles with a too-posh accent. Johnny Depp looks like crap -- wan and puffy, like he worked out his post-signing regret with extra tiramisu at the crafts table. He has never been less memorable in a film.

The action sequences are among the lamest I've ever seen on film. In broad daylight, a foot chase on tile roofs, with no sense of peril at all. A boat chase in short canals, where no speed is possible. It's not like you can't do action in Venice -- there have been three James Bond movies with scenes shot there, including the concluding action scene of Casino Royale, with the watery demise of Bond's beloved Vesper.

The Tourist is such a lazy film, I can't even be bothered to enumerate all its flaws. And forget the waste of "talent" -- the real waste is how underused Venice is as a location in The Tourist. Venice has been an indelible setting for many films; its nighttimes of mysterious echoes and cobblestone cul-de-sacs have disoriented many a protagonist.

If you're looking to see a good film set in Venice, I suggest the following:

A Death in Venice -- Visconti's adaptation of Thomas Mann's story of forbidden (read: gay) love. Released in 1971 and starring Dirk Bogarde. Winner of Cannes Palm d'Or, Best Director, Best Actor.

Don't Look Now -- Nicholas Roeg's complex adaptation of a Daphne Du Maurier short story. Released in 1973 and starring Donald Sutherland and Julie Christie (that sex scene!) and a sinister Venice.

The Comfort of Strangers -- Paul Schrader directing a script by Harold Pinter, adapted from the Ian McEwan novella. Released in 1990. Christopher Walken, Helen Mirren, Natasha Richardson and Rupert Everett as two couples in a twisted dance. Also, Christopher Walken's father was a big man. You'll understand this later.

The Wings of the Dove -- Ian Softley's adaptation of the Henry James' 1902 novel. Released in 1997 and starring Helena Bonham Carter (both sumptuously costumed and starkers) and Linus Roache. Breathtaking, even without the TB.