All Wave at Thor: God of Incredible Adequacy

I was at work a few weeks back and after a day spent forecasting the coming week's attendance, roughing out the house placements (which films are going where in our 16-screen megaplex), and putting the previous week's data (attendance, grosses, etc.) into various Excel spreadsheets, I decided to see a movie. We get free passes on weekdays, before 6 on Friday and after 6 on Sundays (provided the shows aren't too full), and I consider it part of my responsibility as a programmer to "keep up with the product." It's a matter of professional pride to me to be able to, on the spot, synopsize for the guests any film currently playing and guests often also ask if I've personally seen and/or liked something. Formulating opinions on film is not something I struggle with; I've been doing my whole life, long, long before I began working at a movie theater. As I once explained to a co-worker, some people went to church every weekend, but my family went to the movies.


Looking at the post-work showtimes, I had two options: the enfeebling Something Borrowed (another of those dreadful "frenemy" romcoms that Kate Hudson seems to crank out. I guess Almost Famous was a fluke. Then again, there aren't any films like Shampoo floating around for her to grab, like there was for her mom, Goldie Hawn) and the the previous weekend's high-grosser, Thor.


Naturally, after the previous weekend, when Fast Five blew the doors off the box office with its revved-up $86M opening, the collective amnesia of the industry kicked in and made them forget the previous four months of mostly mediocre box office, and led to an over-estimation of what to expect from a new superhero franchise of a lesser-known character that starred some anonymous Aussie beekcake instead of Robert Downey, Jr.


The first weekend of May has been claimed for Marvel-related releases ever since Iron Man had its $98.6M opening in 2008. Wolverine bagged $85M in 2009, Iron Man 2 opened to $128M last year, and the next two first weekends in May are already booked for Joss Whedon's 2012 adaptation of The Avengers, starring Iron Man, Craptain America, Hulk, Thor, Nick Fury aka Samuel L. Jackson in an eye patch, et. al, then Iron Man 3 in 2013. Thor's hammer only managed to pound out a $66M opening, making him quite Maypole underperformer in the Marvelverse. (And my anti-3D campaign is catching on -- the majority of our guests opted for 2D presentation.)


Of course I chose the glorious 2D 35 mm presentation, so what I saw on the screen was not negatively impacted by digital 3D. I know I'm not the audience for this film, and I have no axe to grind with those who are. I liked the first Iron Man a lot -- I thought maybe Kenneth Branagh would bring something to the party, directorially, with this one -- he certainly has experience with moody Danes in his resume. Still, I was immediately struck with the thought 'Jesus, they spent $150M on this?' The best I can say is that I found it incredibly adequate.


Thor creaks and groans along on its plot tropes. Asgard looks like a McMansionized version of Superman's old Fortress of Solitude. Showing up as Thor's Daddy is Anthony Hopkins, who wears an eye patch and bellows. I wonder how much of that $150M went to Hopkins, who would show up for anything these days (autopsy? car wash opening? bris?), if the price is right? Thor has a princely shit-fit, gets his hammer taken away by dad and Thor's hammer and ass are kicked down to Earth, where he's immediately run over by that weird chick who was in Black Swan (The releases of Natalie Portman this year have been the stoner flick Your Highness, a rom-com with Ashton Kutcher called No Strings Attached and this forgettable role. She's not quite in you-have-to-give-it-back territory like Halle Berry, but I hope Natalie makes some better choices when she returns from maternity leave.)


Natalie plays a scientist in this one; you can tell how serious she is because she doesn't wear jewelry. She does however drool like a Teen Beat reader over the big, possibly crazee blond guy she mows down in the middle of a New Mexico night. But then again, can you blame her?

With her are a comedic relief intern (Kat Dennings) and Stellan Skarsgård, a bonafide Scandinavian along for the ride to provide some clunky exposition for the "too Norse" moments in the plot (perhaps he also helped construct some IKEA furniture for the sets). 


Back upstairs in Asgard, Thor's trickster brother Loki is up to something, Anthony Hopkins has piped down (he's in a coma), Thor's homies want to rescue him, there are frost monsters, and oh crap I just can't type any more of this meaningless plot drivel. Suffice it to say, Thor does some heroic stuff, gets his hammer back, learns something and will be around for the next film. His brother Loki will be too, which frankly is more interesting, as I prefer tricksters to blond beefcake.


To me, the only spark of life in the entire film came from an edgy soldier guarding the hammer crash site who asks his superiors whether he should "take this guy out, or did you want to send in some more guys for him to beat up?" It's an unbilled Jeremy Renner cameo, priming his pump to play Hawkeye in next year's Avengers movie. This guy can bring it, even when covered in mud and in a night scene.